Dear Dad

Nine years and three months is the amount of time you left this earth while asleep in bed. No matter my age I’ll always remember March 10th of 2010 at 6:30pm. That was the start of the years long black hole I’d find myself in until I was 23.

Many people have said things about you since I could remember. Some were true. Most were made to bring you down when you were in the middle of building yourself back up which I later understood as well. You, by no means, were perfect. Not. At. All. I saw how humorously frustrated you were when you lost an inch going from 6″2′ to 6″1′. You cursed under your breath because you were getting older. I saw you cry struggling to play your guitar caused by myopathy. I remember seeing you extremely shocked that I stood up to your destructive behavior while threatening to leave and you finally saying “Angelface … I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this but I’ll never act that way on Gods word. Forgive me.” Most of all I remember you always making sure I always did my work, practice my vocals and piano, and make sure I remembered my nightly prayers after you’d play me your ‘daddy version’ of Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Pride and Joy! Only you and God knew how strong I was before I even understood the definition. The reasons why would show up later in my life. Being a child I understood how overly talented you were and how happy you lit up on stages and playing your humongous guitar. I remember how you laughed as my sibling and I sang the Barney song and Walk the Dinosaur by Was Not Was.

At the very end of everything I’ve learned with only four months until I’m 26 that I have to do things for myself as selfish as it may momentarily seem to others in order to grasp and retain my own happiness and respect for myself. You were actual, genuine living proof and for that I am forever thankful. Daddy, the person I saw being a happy, talented father is the kind of man I’ve always admired to have in my life but that is a difficult check to cash and no man is what I envisioned to be because of that. As I get older I’ll always remember the fond memories as well as the memories that had hard lessons. You were my guitar man and will always be no matter what! Hoping you’re hanging with grandma, grandpa, and titi Edna.

Love you bunches, Angelface

Advertisements

Crush VS. Admiration

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

Happy Friday!

So perhaps a few have noticed but then again I’ve never been asked to define my thoughts on why I’m looking for admiration in a man rather than randomly having a crush.

As far back as I could possibly go I’ve always preferred someone with their mind filled with absolute love for family as well as others and, basically, the capacity to absorb a lot of knowledge and speak it back to me. That’s admiration. Admiring someone you’d love to spend the rest of your days with means understanding why you fell for them and letting that lead forth. The reason why I still prefer it this way is because it’s sincere and I cannot even imagine loving a man that won’t keep me on my toes and my days full of conversations. Never a shortage of topics even those we’ve already spoken about for the millionth time. That man will be admiration defined.

Crushes. To be fair the last crush I had was probably Robert Pattinson back in 2009. See when I think of a crush I think back to being 15-16 and writing about him on my binder and making googly eyes every time I saw an interview on TV. Yeah. That lasted until early 2010. Since then I’ve not been interested in Hollywood folk cause, I’ll be bluntly honest, I always thought of them as … well … spotlight vampires, ya know? The best example is actually the kardashians. πŸ™ƒ As for recent crushes in my day to day life the last one was this kid I worked with two and a half years ago. Ugh. He was three years younger and had a certain something I couldn’t explain before but now I can; he was physically different. He was half Asian and half white. After I quite I wrote him and told him how I felt and he passed on an invitation to go to a bar to hang out so after an ego sting for a day I got over it pretty quick cause, I mean, he was young. Need I say more? Lol.

So there you have it. For me crushes are nothing more than small moments of ‘like liking’ someone. They’re not bad to look at and feel for for a bit but they are not forever mores. That may sound harsh to a few but that is the absolute truth. I’d rather adore someone I’ll admire for not just the uphill soars but the downhill falls too. That’s my feeling and I’m sticking to it!

Β‘Besos y abrazos! πŸ’‹βœŒπŸΌ

Get to Know Me Pt. 8

How was your week?

Actually pretty great!

Do you have a crush on anybody right now?

Nope. Pretty free at the moment and breathing in that fresh air but if Keanu Reeves came my way I wouldn’t say no πŸ˜‰ lol

Discover anything new lately?

Stevie Nicks Radio on Spotify. Carol King is also on none stop rotation at the moment.

Your unpopular opinion!

Hate The Bachelor and The Bachelorette shows. Seriously. They put forth an imagery of a kind of ‘love’ that does not happen in an everyday persons life. Oh I LOVE beets. Trust when I say I get shit for it by people but it tastes like earthy candy to me now. Pickled beets specifically … fuck I would give a kidney for a jar of my aunt Maria’s pickled beets.

What is your current dream?

Actually right now I want to buy a travel or cargo van and supe it up so I can literally drive around the country in a mapped out picture frame.

Was there ever a religion or a certain lifestyle you’ve considered being a part of and why?

Perhaps I’ve mentioned it before but Judaism was a really strong contender for growth in my life just as recently as last year. Reading a bit though not all of some segments of the Hebrew Scripture which is pretty much the Old Testament and having it explained to me by a Rabi on YouTube helped in a few aspects in my life like inner strength. That’s right. Ya girl was genuinely really close to converting to Judaism.

If you had to would you leave your morals or intellect behind?

As I am now I find myself perhaps a soft, stern benign person so, for me, to lose either two would mean losing very important building blocks of my growth as a person. If there was ever a point where I came across this dilemma then something I did must have turned me back six steps and because of this I won’t be answering this question.

One thing you’ve never regretted in your life so far?

Settling on a relationship because I felt lonely. Never ever in my life would that be the kind of woman I’ll become. I’ve seen women do that and bring a child in to the same situation which causes another file of chaos. I found the better I feel and build myself alone and staying single the greater chance I have at a better life. Having someone by your side is a gift. Not a right and most folks forget that. Build yourself up everyday and soon, hopefully, a greater force will give you the kind of pure love you deserve.

What is something you know that you feel most people don’t?

To be absolutely aware and open eyed. My favorite line/tip for new friends I make is this: If it breaths like one and talks like one it’s probably an asshole!

Finally, what is your favorite kind of weather?

I thoroughly enjoy rainy days but I love it when the rain has just stopped and you can smell the earth. Most people forget about natural oxygen being released when it rains and the after smell IS the ground and surrounding plants and flowers. Recently that happened during a sunset and I felt whole. Ugh. Completely relaxing!